Save the coconuts, save the world!

Have you heard that one?

• Finally, mankind has the answer to that eternal question, how many coconuts does it take to go from London to Amsterdam? The answer: 150,000 -- converted into biofuel and poured into a special 747, of course. Virgin Atlantic completed its first biofuel tests yesterday with solid results, using a mix of 20 percent coconut oil and 80 percent jet fuel to power a 747 -- a first for the airline industry. There's still a long way to go, of course -- only one of the jet's four tanks carried the alternative fuel, and even Richard Branson admits that giant coconut plantations devoted to airline fuel probably aren't workable -- but despite harsh criticism from skeptics, it's still an impressive achievement. Branson says that although this test didn't use a viable fuel, it's a landmark proof-of-concept -- and that next-generation biofuels made from algae may one day power all our aircraft.

So next thing we know, the coalition of organized crimed formally known as Nato will invade the Konkan region to install democracy and destroy their advanced nuclear research facilities in the name of the survival of the human race. What about monkeys, I ask you? Can you sit comfortably on your flight to, say, Rome, knowing how many souls will be suffering for you to enjoy your pathetic peripatetic life?

I don't know about you, but I'm starting to build up Bounty stash under my bed, just in case. Life's not worth living without it.